Bye

HDear Future Husband,

I haven’t been writing in a while. Because I’ve rubbed off the idea that you and I will still be together..

I have a strange feeling that you and I have met somewhere down the road. I recognize your soul.. But at the same time I recognize your need for to figure things out on your own.

And somewhere down the road. I just had to let you go. I loved you. But I never had a chance to say it to your face. Because every time I look at you I hear your soul crying of fear..

I believe that true love is worth fighting for. But I can’t be the only one fighting.

Well, I hope you find your happiness. I wish you well. Goodbye.

X

Laiza

 

 

My Bestfriend’s Wedding

Dear Future Husband,

 

A day after my birthday, I woke up from a text message from my best friend and she was asking whether I was going home last October. October was when my vacation leave was plotted, I normally go home every time I have leave but this time my plan was elsewhere. I booked a ticket to Paris, Amsterdam, Barcelona and Milan. And then she told me, she’s getting married. I was like,’ wait, what?’

And again, she said. “I’m getting married and you’re the maid of honor! —-As if being the maid of honor is a consolation of what she just had announced.– I cried.

My first thought was, damn it! What were you thinking?! You’ve lost your mind!

Having no plans of going home last August I immediately booked my ticket to go home for three days hoping I can do something to change her mind. But knowing myself, I couldn’t wait for a nine hours of flight just to hear her reason, so I had to call her and asked her what this was all about and she told me the big secret. “I’m pregnant.” she said.

My jaws dropped and I just had to scratch my head because I know this was hopeless. And I was still thinking of a reason for her not to get married as if she will listen to anything I say now. And then she said, “but we’re getting old now, Lai.” And I was like, oh yeah, I just turned 28 but that’s not old, is it?

I’m still trying to reason out why she shouldn’t get married but at the same time I was googling what gown should I wear for the event.

I’m half sad yet happy for her. Because I guess, that’s the only thing I could do for her now, to be happy for her.

Because you see, I treated her like my own sister. I know her dreams her hopes to help her family, her dream to travel abroad and now knowing that she’s going to be tied up to a man I don’t even like felt like makes me sad and makes me think this whole marriage thing is going to be a hindrance for her ambitions.

Okay, maybe at that point I was being very selfish thinking that I know what’s best for her. I wasn’t living in the Philippines for a long time, and I only get to see her whenever I am on vacation. So to think that I know what has been going on with her life is an overstatement. So little by little I’m finally starting to accept that maybe this wedding was her dream. To have a family of her own and maybe after that, she’ll get her priorities straight.

I was living under the idea that if you are best friends you have to travel same paths. I get to be successful and she gets to get the same. But after having to hear her announcement I realized that best friend and I, don’t need to have exact same paths. And maybe we get to have different definitions of success and that doesn’t mean that we’ll stop being friends after she gets to have her own family.

So I stopped stressing her out with my excuses for her not to get married and started to just support her for what she wanted.

I rearranged my vacation dates. I planned out a simple bridal shower for her at our roof top and attended her wedding as her Maid of honor just like as planned.

 

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Her entrance was dramatic. I cried. I was lucky to be seating at the front row and everyone else was looking at her because my tears just won’t cooperate. I thought for a moment I ruined my make up there.

After attending her wedding, I realized one thing and that is my best friend deserves the all the happiness in this world. And I’m very excited for my niece to come out. 🙂

 

xx,

Lai

Merry Christmas!

Dear Future Husband,

I hope you are well and happy this Christmas day! As for me I spent my Christmas eve above the clouds with a family I’ve just known. the crews that I’m with are my family at least for the next 3 more days.

I was invited by the Captain to join the Christmas dinner at 2pm. (Yes, they call that dinner) but by the time we arrived at the hotel I was dead tired. I woke up at 3 and missed the dinner.. But anyway, I had a good dinner at the Chinese Restaurant called East besides the Sydney Opera House and it was lovely. Then storm came by and had to kill time by drinking a nice hot chocolate and at nearby cafe before I went back to the hotel. Today was lovely. I hope you enjoyed your Christmas too…

Xx,
Lai

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#PrayerForTheWeek – Undivided love

PrayerConfessions

Almighty God, show us what it means to love You with everything we have.

Matthew 22:37-38
Jesus said, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.’ This is the most important, the first on any list.

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I am ready.

I remember I was trying to survive my flights for the past two weeks after I broke up with a cheating bastard pilot. These were one of those days were everything I do was an effort.

Feeding myself was an effort, taking a shower was an effort. The only thing that makes me not drag myself up from my bed was going out with my friends.

Love sucks. And yes, what a cliché, we hear it every single time from a mouth a shattered human being and yet you see them the next day or two totally moved on, totally happy with their new squeeze, as if they were not miserable the day before.

And you wonder? How do these people do it? How can they move on so fast?

And I contemplate on how to be this kind of person; the kind of person who changes their mindset in a snap and totally forgets about every thing. I remember myself praying, begging to God every single night, crying myself to sleep hoping one day I wake up without having to kiss my pillow pretending it was my ex I was saying good morning to. Then snuggle with it for the next five minutes hoping it was my ex lying next to me and not smelly my pillow.

I wonder how many people do this kind of weird shit. Or maybe, I am the only one.

Who knows, maybe I’m unique.

I spent my days alone in bed trying to figure out a way on how will I get myself back on track. The status “Single” isn’t for me. At least this is what I thought before I finally enjoyed being on my own. I know deep down I am meant to share this awesome life with another gorgeous human being. But where the hell is he? What’s taking him so long? Has he gotten stuck in traffic or missed a flight to Dubai? Where the f*ck is he for crying out loud! –At least this is how the voice in my head screams at me.

And then one day I wake up, and I realized maybe it was just the idea of wanting to be in a relationship that is making me so darn unhappy with my life. And maybe if I try to change my perspective maybe just maybe I don’t have to make myself feel like I’m trying to survive each day.

And then I started writing and I bought a journal. Okay, let me rephrase the first sentence. I wanted to start writing, so I bought a journal. That journal sat on my bedside table for the last 10 days after purchasing it. Simply because I couldn’t think of any subject to write except on how fucking bitter I was, so scratch that! I’m not going to write about how my relationship went on downfall once again. There’s no point of doing that. I am trying to move on.

Next morning, I woke up at 3 in the afternoon after sleeping for 12 hours. I found myself thirsty so I went back to kitchen to grab a bottle of water and sat down to my bed with a heavy sigh. ‘Where the hell are you?’ I whispered to myself again. Thinking where my future lover could be. Then I saw my journal and thought to myself ‘Hey that’s a brilliant idea! I’ll write to my future husband instead of writing to my ex. (Well, yes I started this “future husband blog ages ago but I just thought to write him in real paper.)

Here’s how my first letter went on:

‘Dear Future Husband,

My name is Laiza, nice to meet you. I hope you enjoyed your breakfast or at least I hope you had one today. I didn’t. I skipped two meals simply because I was dead drunk last night trying to convince myself that I am now a party girl. Which my 12 hours of sleep + bad hangover validated that I wasn’t. I’m back to my normal miserable state. I want to start of this letter by telling you I am having a great time with my life but the truth is I am not and as my future husband I am not going to lie to you. I am beyond repair and all I can think of right now is I can’t wait for you to find me. Yes, I want you to find me because I am so tired of trying to find you. Please look for me. Do not give up.

Your Future Wife,

L’

My letter wasn’t too long and it wasn’t pleasant to read either. But what can I do that’s exactly how I feel at the moment. I probably have cried writing that letter. I don’t remember to be honest. But yeah, probably have shed a few tears there.

I closed down my laptop and went back on my bed, closed my eyes again trying to ignore the sound of my stomach and the next thing I knew it’s 7pm. Oh shit, another day passed by without doing a single thing. Yes, I was a bit fucked up. My companion during this period of my life is a bottle of water and my cigarettes.

So I rang up Camille to invite her to have dinner outside. “What do you reckon?” I asked. “Well, it’s 7:30 I just got home from work and my sister’s cooked dinner for us. We can have coffee afterwards.” She replied. “Ok. Sounds good.” I just don’t want to be a loser again and let my loneliness win over myself again tonight. Not tonight.

“Why don’t you go out and meet new guys again, Laiza?” Camille’s first sentence right after her first sip on her coffee; “I mean this is Dubai, there’s a million of guys out here. This is a city where you can take a pick on which nationality you wanted to end up with. Don’t destroy yourself just because you were cheated on by an old wanker.”

I’m turning 27 by the way. Many of my friends (if not all of them) and my family don’t understand why I had gotten myself involved with this man. Our age gap was actually a big issue to most people. We make heads turn whenever we go out in public. Maybe people were thinking ‘what the hell is wrong with this girl? Had she lost her mind?’ And whenever I tell my coworkers that my boyfriend is a pilot they would automatically assume that I dated him for money. So I can enjoy my first class suite enjoy my caviar and champagne and sleep in my made up “on board bed.” Well, that is quite an imagination I must say. I’m not going to deny that those things do sound good to me. However, that is not the reason why I got myself involved with this bastard.

Sad to say I was a victim of a pilot scheme. You know when people used to warn me to not date a pilot. Because they said they’re the world-class womanizers. I thought they were just telling that because they couldn’t get one or was dumped by one. Now I understand what they really meant and it’s just as simple as reading between the lines.

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To tell you honestly, I wrote this and have not published it in a long time. Until today, I am surprised to read what I wrote. I can say that I am in a perfect state of mind when I wrote this but probably at my most vulnerable state but now that I am fine and happy I still wish that he gets what he deserves.

I am not going to bore you with all of the sad stories I had. Those were from Past Laiza. And present Laiza’s saying ‘hey, I moved on.’ I don’t need drama anymore. I no longer wake up thinking about him. I wake up from different “good morning” text messages from different guys but so what? I am single. It makes me smile knowing that someone thought of me in the morning. And it makes me hopeful that one of them could be you, my future husband.

And I may have been a little too desperate to meet you when I was in my broken hearted stage but you know what? If I had met you at that time, things would probably have not worked out so well. I wasn’t ready at that time clearly. I was just desperate to have someone on my side. But now I can totally say that I am ready to meet you. But only God knows when. I probably have met you already or just about to for the next coming weeks.

I must admit, my schedule sucks. And it’s making me a bit anti social. But I am definitely working on it.

And we probably won’t get married just yet because I have lots of things to work out on with myself. There’s a lot of unchecked boxes on my “things to do before I get married” list but hey, it wouldn’t hurt to know that you are already in my life right? That I don’t need to look elsewhere; that someday it’ll be you and me against the odds plus some minions.

xx,

L

I miss you.

I was forcing myself to go back to sleep and then I remembered you, and I just knew I had to put this in writing otherwise I will forget it or will not have time for it again. It’s been ages.. And I am sad that I couldn’t tell you the things that’s going on with me because you decided to remove me from your life.

Wow. I do not know how to put this into words because one night you just decided to piss me off big time without me knowing what I did to you..

I can still remember when I received your text message I just got out of the shower running late for my flight and you were so pissed off at me telling me I hid something from you. Which up until this day it’s still a big question to me what that is. I could hide a lot of things from people but not from you.. Anyway, I was so pissed. So I’m sorry if I told you to fuck off but I meant it at that time.😜

And since you decided not to tell me the reason of your temper tantrums. I stopped myself from thinking what that could be..

You know for a fact that of all people you were the one I was totally honest with, you were like my twin, my best friend, and unfortunately my ex boyfriend.

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I still don’t get it. You’re telling me I didn’t do anything yet you stopped talking to me still don’t make sense to me.

If you are reading this.. Then I want to know why are you on this page? Lol jk..

But seriously if you’re reading this I want you to know that I missed you.. I miss my best friend. I miss watching movies with you, I miss your messy apartment I hoped you cleaned it. I miss our coffee time, I miss our little debates, I miss hearing stories about your new girlfriend. I miss going to the beach, playing go kart (where I almost killed your brother’s friend) :p I wish it didn’t end this way for both of us.. 😔 oh well, but wherever you are I wish you’ve found yourself a new best friend. And from the bottom of my heart I hope you are full of joy and happiness. I wrote because I missed you.

Xx,
Lai

My “engagement” ring.

Dear Future Husband,

Ever since I got myself a ring 9 weeks ago people have been asking whether I’m engaged or already married..

Clearly, I’m wearing it on my right hand so I don’t understand why they still ask..

At first, I would always say the truth.. That I just got myself a ring, that’s all.
But some days I make fun of people and I tell them yes, I am engaged.. And I will tell them where I plan to get married. Sometimes in a castle, sometimes at beachfront, sometimes in a garden and sometimes just traditional church wedding.. Then I will describe them the flowers I’d like to have, the people I’m going to invite, the theme of my wedding.. Even the dress I’d like myself to wear.. They would be all like, “oh that’s gorgeous, that’s beautiful…”

And then their follow up question. “So where is he from?” —- 😅😅😅😅 ‘oh.. Him.. Well.. I don’t know where’s he from.. Because we haven’t met yet.’ (You will not imagine the look on their faces) 😅 or maybe we have, but we’re not yet aware that we’re getting married someday. But someone still didn’t give up.. “So you mean you’re on a arranged marriage.” — nope. And they give me a weird stare..

But the thing is I know I’m getting married someday, and I know how. What I don’t know is who I am going to marry.. All I know is we’re going to be awesome together💕💕

Oh well.😅

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No halloween party in a long time 😔

Dear Future Husband,

Few days ago was halloween and I was sitting in front of the hotel in Manhattan seeing drunk people on the streets. And I realize the last time I wore costume on halloween was when I was 10 and I was a pumpkin.. When I was 11 I was a freaking mummy and when I was 12 I was Casper the friendly ghost. 😅😅

I wanted to attend halloween in Dubai only because I wanted to be Malificent. But unfortunately I need to travel to NY😭.

Oh well, I hope next year I can attend halloween. 😊😊

Xx,
Lai

4 more days! Let’s make it worth it <3

 

 

Rainy Manila. I missed this kind of weather for real. I normally feel sad when it rains, but I feel so alive. ❤